Receiving fullyI’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between masturbation and self-pleasure.
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My own experience over the past several years has literally been life changing as I leaned into the possibility my body deserves and has a right to deep, deep self-care that includes stimulating my entire body into multi-orgasmic bliss.
I have spent many years working in service of my clients, especially my bodywork clients. Tirelessly giving care, love, and attention to bodies on my massage table, bringing them into multi-orgasmic states after a full-body relaxing massage.
While I had been an avid yoga practitioner, and did get bodywork and adjustments from time to time, I only treated myself erotically and sexually like a disposable partner. Masturbating like I had since I was 12 or so… and not questioning it.
It was a well-worn practice that produced orgasmic results.. the same way it had for well over 30 years.
I didn’t see the disconnect between how I was holding my clients and how I was holding myself.
Which is perfectly normal, based on how our culture teaches us about (or better… DOESN’T teach us) about Eros.
During COVID lockdown, I found an opportunity to enjoy communal self-pleasure online with Body Electric. Each Wednesday morning at 9:30, I would log on to join 10-12 other men in a self-pleasure ritual, and it was amazing.
I had not been doing any massage for well over a year, and not having any sex, so I was STARVED for sharing erotic and sexual energy, and this seemed a prudent way to start exploring that. I showed up every week, and had multiple orgasms, and shared a piece of my soul with a few other participants afterwards in smaller breakout groups.
What I noticed was that I wasn’t always “into it”. I didn’t always WANT to log on Wednesday morning… sometimes I felt I had something more pressing to do, or I wasn’t really in the mood.
But I still logged on. Something in me knew it was important.
After several months of this, I started to realize just how healing these sessions were for me. Not just in the “relief” I was getting from the experience, but something deeper was going on.
I had never before considered pleasuring my genitals and body to orgasm without FIRST being “horny” or “in the mood”. But because it was Wednesday morning at 9:30am, I was logging on, pulling out my cock, and pleasuring my whole body regardless of my interest or mood.
This was MEDICINE.
Since then I’ve been sharing with others the benefits of SELF-PLEASURE. Which I define as “intentionally touching and caressing my body- including my genitals- for the sake of self-care, and without the intention of ejaculating”.
Masturbating is, quite simply “meeting my need to cum”.
They are BOTH welcome and needed in my life… I believe in everyone’s life.
Self-pleasure is truly about the journey and not the destination. Although sometimes during the journey, I may ejaculate, but it’s not the motivation.
What would it be like to show up and self-pleasure for the sake of the pleasure, and actually use it as a way to work with a different energy or way of being? What if you were angry, and gave yourself some self-care in a state of anger? What is possible?
There is not guarantee that it will be some sort of EPIPHANY, but maybe it would… only one way to find out!
I believe each of us deserves and has a right to feeling ourselves fully and to use the power of pleasure to heal us from the tops of our heads to the bottoms of our feet. One way of achieving that is through a dedicated self-pleasure practice.
This can look any way that you would personally enjoy. It could be in the shower, It could be in bed. It could be alone. It could be with others… even online. It could be out in the garden. It could be anywhere at any time. The only thing needed is the intention of holding yourself as you would a beloved. Sometimes you could be naked, other times you could be clothed.
However, scheduling it can be key. The only way to show up in full orgasmic bliss without first being “horny” is to CHOOSE to do so. Most of us have a habit of only going there when we are “heeding the call”, or as I stated earlier “meeting your need to cum”. So committing to a schedule is one way of choosing when you’re otherwise “not interested”.
I invite you to develop a new relationship with yourself and your body by creating a self-pleasure practice that is separate from your masturbation habit. Sure, you could choose to turn a masturbation opportunity into something more intentional, but there is something powerful in something just a bit more structured.
Start off small… it doesn’t need to be an hour-long process with candles and soft music! (although that’s super luxurious). It can be 5 minutes spent with yourself in bed before getting up for the day, or a few minutes in the shower. Steal the time where it’s easeful so that you don’t start feeling that you “don’t have time for it”. Make the time by starting small, and it could be just once a week.
This is YOUR practice. YOU get to decide what it looks like without needing to compare to anyone else.